Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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