My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
