i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
