A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
