I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
