I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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