forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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