dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
