I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
