i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
