I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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