The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
