paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
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