So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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