oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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