Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
