I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
