I'm sorry my penis didn't work
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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