i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
