Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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