I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
