I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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