My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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