dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
