Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
