my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
