Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
