Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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