oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm eating all of the evidence.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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