And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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