Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
