i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
then he tried to convert me to islam
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
