I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
