there's paper in my vomit.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
