i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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