dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
