Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
