So drunk its hurt
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
