I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
