apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
