Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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