Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
