"it" just moved
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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