You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
