Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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