he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
