Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
