She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
