Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
