your parents love me but you hate me
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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