How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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