So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
