i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
