i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
