Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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