I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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