so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
