Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
