her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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